Sunday, March 14, 2010


My bar is in a working class community. I can pick a tweaker out a mile away (with one exception which I will tell you in the future) But I first got my taste of what coke looks like. Let me interject that I have never done a drug harder than hash. Which I think is just concentrated pot. But the pot I smoke, which I have been known to smoke once in awhile before bedtime, is usually far better. Other than that, I have never tried meth, coke, pcp, shrooms, or even ecstacy.

So last night it was slow. But it was super stupid, although not as bad as two weeks ago. I think every week shows just how fucking stupid humanity has become. The neighboring business had a plumbing clog, so they had a plumber cleaning out all the lines. About 50 gallons of sewer water (which would be almost all food) came out of the drain in the parking lot. So boy wonder starts bitching how the water got on his tires and how he was going to sue. Not my problem as it had nothing to do with my business. But boy wonder decides it must be criminal and calls the police. So that is another service call to my business and the cop is rightfully pissed. He tells one of my employees it is the stupidest call he has ever been on in his career. I can't say I disagree with that assessment.

Normally I would toss that person for GP. But he has been a great customer. So I don't know what I am going to do.

So I roll into the bar around 9:30pm and as expected because of the local events, it was slow.

We had been watching this guy all night. He didn't do any thing wrong, but he stuck out. Usually it would be what clothes he was wearing or how he was acting. But he was perfectly cleancut and not doing anything wrong. I had called my cab and walked out to wait for my ride, only to find my three doormen about ready to call the police because Mr Cleancut wouldn't leave. I still don't know what got him kicked out but when I saw him it was obvious he was out of control and spinning very hard on something.

I made the fake call to the cops. After years, I can be pretty damn convincing. I can't act, but I have played this role so long, I should get an award. I even make sure I hit a button to show that the light is on and it appears a call is taking place. Me and the dispatcher that doesn't exist have weird difficult conversations. Now I am am usually playing to a drunk audience and they are completely convinced that the cops are coming for their ass. Well at least 95% of the time.

This night, he heard me and walked down the street. But lo and behold he was back 5 minutes later. He was screaming about us refusing to give him back his car key. I'm not really sure how we got it, but if you are even close to appearing intoxicated, we won't give you your car key back.

He was more fidgety than a cat and jumping up and down on his truck bed. Since my doormen had failed, I figured I didn't have much to lose trying to talk to him. But whenever I got within 20 feet of him, he started to freak out. Screaming, telling, claiming I was out to get him.

Well obviously this wasn't going to workout. So I finally dialed the PD myself. And Mr. Sean O'Conner, thought I was bluffing and yelled everything I needed to say to the dispatcher. So we sat there quietly awaiting the PD. I'm guessing they were busy as it took them awhile. But when the PD rolled up Mr Oconner, decided it was smart to run across four lanes of traffic to get away. Up a hill that had no exit.

The PD didn't even run after him. Just a quick walk. After a few minutes they brought him bcak and asked me if we had a hose. We thought he had spit or puked on the back of the patrol car. So I yelled at my doorman to get the hose or a couple pitchers of water. Now my doormen are good. They are used to dealing with the everyday drunk/tweaker. Yet they aren't the brightest when it comes to thinking for themselves.

What do they do? They bring out two pitchers of water full of ice, like they are waiters. I can only look at them and ask why they think we may need ice water? Are we going to have a party in the lot? And the guests need their water glasses filled?

So after they finally bring me a couple of pitchers of tap water do I realize, Mr O'conner got a taste of the capsium spray. It's amazing how this spray can tame the wildest of assholes. If I could use it, I would probably spray 10% of my customers in a given night.

He is now way cool as I poured the water over his eyes and kept telling him to blink to wash it out. All of a sudden, he was the most appreciative guy I ever met. But then when the pain subsided just enough, he became Mr dumbass again.

Other than going to jail, I don't know what happened to him. I only found out later he was looking for Crack. No one, including my employees, dared to come near me during this, so I only found out later. I'm glad I finally got to see it and reconize it, but a crackhead in "White Pride" community, scare the fuck out of me.

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